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Raising a Jewish Child in a Non-Jewish World
Being Jewish means being different. Knowing that one is different is
the key to the survival of any minority. If we are not distinctive, if our
values are not distinctive, we have no reason to survive. Parents who want their
children to remain Jewish need to create a home that is Jewishly distinctive.
The more distinctive, the greater the chance of one's child remaining Jewish;
the less distinctive, the greater the chance of assimilation.
This leads to a simple rule: the more Judaism, i.e., the more distinctively
Jewish practices, the better.
Lighting Shabbat candles is one of the more widespread Jewish practices, but it
renders the home distinctively Jewish for only a few moments a week. Parents
must ask themselves how their home differs from non-Jewish homes on Wednesday,
not just on Friday nights or some Jewish holidays.
I have found the kippah to be extraordinarily effective in this regard. In my
parents' home, my father, my brother and I wore a kippah at home, but not
outside. With the birth of my son, I resumed this practice. Its impact is
incalculable. The moment the kippah goes on, the house takes on an aura of
holiness and Jewish distinctiveness. This Hebrew word for holy, kadosh, means
distinctive. For those uncomfortable wearing it all the time in the home, how
about wearing it at mealtimes? If that is too much, how about at mealtimes of
Shabbat? But if even that is too much, ask yourself why.
I have also found banning television on Shabbat to be one of the most effective
antidotes to the worship of the many gods of secular civilization - most
particularly materialism and sports.
Jewish day schools and Jewish camps are incomparable for giving a
Jewish child an all-day experience of Jewish identity.
And, of course, the more time spent in Israel, the better. A high school or
college year in Israel might be able to compensate for much of the Jewish
deprivation in a young Jew's life.
Judaism is a very physical religion. To be Jewish is to do. It does not suffice
to feel Jewish. Feeling Jewish without acting Jewish is like feeling ethical
without acting ethically. It doesn't count. The deeds count, not the feelings.
That is the power of Jewish rituals.
What does it mean when a parent fears a child may become "too Jewish"? Probably
that the child will be more observant than the parents (or simply observant at
all). But what if that were to happen? I strongly urge concerned parents to
speak to parents whose children have become observant, and to parents whose
children have dropped whatever observance they were raised with. Find out which
group is more pleased with the result.
Parents who are contemplating increased Judaism in the home express another fear
- that the child will rebel against the parents and against Judaism. Here are
three responses:
§ First, so what? If there is anything children need, it
is something to rebel against. Rebellion is like the dock from which a ship
pushes off. The stronger the dock, the stronger the launch. The stronger the
home, the stronger the base from which to launch a life.
Parents need to stand for ideals - Jewish and otherwise. Then, if the children
rebel, they will at least have something to return to after the rebellion.
§ Second, since the kids are going to resent the parents
anyway, the parents might as well do the right thing. A friend of mine is still
a bit angry with his parents for never having given him music lessons. His
parents respond that whatever instrument they suggested, he always said he
didn't want to play a musical instrument. To which he now responds, "Why did you
listen to me?"
§ Third, you can't alienate the alienated. There's
something absurd about parents of a Jewishly uncommitted child worrying about
the child's becoming alienated from something he or she is already alienated
from.
Another argument frequently offered against increased observance in the home is
that unless the parent truly believes in it, doing something Jewish for the sake
of a child is hypocritical.
May God spare us from a world in which parents act in the presence of children
in all the ways they act among themselves. I assume that most parents
occasionally use foul language. Are they hypocritical for not using such
language in the presence of children?
Beginning to observe Jewish practices for the sake of one's children is not only
not hypocritical; it is beneficial to the children. It can also positively
transform the parent. Parents who begin to incorporate Jewish practices into
their homes for the sake of their children often end up loving the practices for
their own sake.
Finally, some parents say they object to establishing a more religious home
because a Jewish home would deprive a child of a choice.
This thinking is worse than unwise. It is backwards. The only way to give
children a choice is to give them the experience of Judaism when they are young.
Only then will they really have a choice. How can they choose what they never
see? By giving a child only minimal exposure to Judaism, Jewish parents ensure
an irreligious adult, devoid of meaningful Jewish identity.
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